Dear Dayre,
So I downloaded an app that counts down the days and of course.. It's set to 1st Jan AKA wedding day!
It's exactly 45 days away now.
Today is a special day! 😁😁😁
Yes I'm flashing my 💍✨!!! You must be confused, cos I got engaged more than a year ago. Why am I getting so excited over my engagement ring now?
Thing is.. I only got my actual engagement ring today hehe 🙊
It's a super long story la. Don't know if I should share the whole story cos it's quite personal. But you probably know a bit of the story already if you've been reading my blog since last year. Cos YZ proposed to me with a fake ring on my birthday last year in order to spring a surprise proposal on me while my then supposed engagement ring was in the process of being customized/made.
If I want to recount the entire story.. I have to start from two years ago, Christmas 2012.
I've mentioned before about how I was going through one of the worst periods in our then 5-year relationship.
Five years is quite a long time I would say? And being in a relationship for five years, you'd think that we're pretty good together. Sometimes I would think that way, and at other times, I felt like I was suffocating in a relationship I wasn't sure of.
I'm not sure why I felt so strongly about it during that particular period, but it was because I could sense that YZ was preparing to propose to me soon. And all the uncertainties and fears started to surface somehow, because I've always believed that a marriage is for life, and by accepting your partner's proposal, you are committing to one of the hugest decisions you will ever make in a lifetime.
Scratch that, it's a decision that you're gonna have to LIVE WITH for the rest of the life.
Anyway, I was damn scared la. Was worried that I would be making the wrong decision and marrying the "wrong" man.
I've written about the whole story in a nutshell before on Dayre, so if you want to read it, it's here:
http://dayre.me/yinagoh/vVSfwyNqAr
Or look for 24 Dec 2013 entry on my Dayre!
But the part that I've never shared publicly online (only my close friends know this) is that when we nearly broke up, I didn't know that YZ had already bought me a diamond ring to propose to me with.
I'm making myself sound like a bitch 😭
Here I was worrying about whether I could marry this man, while on his end he had already spent a huge sum on buying me a diamond ring and was getting ready to propose to me any time.
(SEE, I KNEW IT WAS COMING. I could sense it! Even though I didn't know about the ring back then until…..)
I told him not to propose to me yet (without knowing the ring was already paid and in his possession) and I can only imagine his heart dropping at that exact moment I said those unforgivable and unforgettable words out of my mouth.
Like I said, I already talked a bit about the history of our relationship and why I actually had so much hesitation in that previous dayre post. So I don't want to repeat it again like old grandmother story. Can go look up the previous post above.
Of course when I said these exact words "I'm not sure if you're the right person for me"… Shit got real.
I totally did not mean for us to break up or anything like that, I just really needed to feel sure about a lifelong commitment, but that statement of mine obviously caused a horrendously huge uproar and it was not a pretty scene.
And at the end of an extremely horrible few days of my life, I told him to let's just take a break. I was so tired of fighting, explaining how I felt, and felt so emotionally battered and bruised. He was as distraught as I am, but we were just not able to work things out somehow because both of us were in emotional upheaval.
I didn't even know what I wanted anymore, and I just wanted to get out of this.. f**ked up situation.
At his end, I guess YZ was just as upset as I was, probably more because this sudden upside-down turn on the axis of our lives literally came out of the blue for him.
And so he decided that a break up would be best for both of us. And wrote me a goodbye letter telling me I was too good for him, and to thank me for the past five years together.
I felt so so so conflicted because I didn't want a breakup, that wasn't what I wanted when I first uttered those words.
Hearing about the ring shocked me, but it wasn't what made us decide not to break up in the end. I guess you can only attribute our positive ending to YZ because he swallowed his ego & pride and promised to make our relationship work, and gave me as much assurance as he could that our relationship could work out.
I was able to give our relationship another chance because I genuinely did care so much for this man and I know he felt the same for me. Five years together, is not a short time.
We moved on from this episode, but we never mentioned the ring again and of course, it took us some time before the wounds left from this incident healed over, not without their own scars.
I later found out that he sold off that ring back to the company that he bought it from originally, who agreed to take it back at a loss. And to him, that was case closed, and he wouldn't propose to me again until he knew for sure I was ready for it.
This is why I mentioned before and now I'll say it again. It took him a whole lot of courage to propose to me in August 2013, and that's why the proposal is so significant to both of us.
My day is left with only one minute sorry everyone 😩 Carry on tomorrow?
#yzyinaproposal